[Become] The Silver Lining in Heartbreak
How the absence of the other makes us grow
Ughh it is horrible. Heartbreak. It is so painful. There is so much power behind the pain, you might as well use it to your advantage.
After a relationship has involuntarily ended, you most likely feel like something is missing in your life. And it probably is.
This realization though opens up possibilities for filling the gap. And by filling the gap, I don’t mean find a new partner as soon as possible. I mean, become your own silver lining in heartbreak.
You are able to grow into the parts that you feel are missing.
Side note: In my opinion, everyone has permission to feel allllllll the feelings. You are allowed to feel completely heartbroken for as long as you need.
But then, for moving out of that stage, the following might give some hope and guidance. I will also provide easy and actionable steps, that helped me personally.
I strongly believe, that in any heart pain, we get given the opportunity to move closer to our highest potential.
Be Your Own “Better Half”
Oftentimes, in a relationship, the other person can be our motivator. Our inspiration for career, creativity, or even for living a healthy lifestyle.
When that person leaves our life, we might feel like all of that is now gone. We might feel like we are lacking a moving force of inspiration.
We don’t want to apply for the job, we don’t want to write the article and there is no reason to work out either. Because we were so dependent on the other person being our only motivation and inspiration.
A lot of people look for partners that they perceive as their “better half”. I strongly dislike that term. Why is it “better”? Why can’t it be your “also great, but exchangeable and not necessary half”?
Some might say the following:
I am the linear thinker, they are the creative thinker.
I am the chill one, they are the passionate one.
I am the explorative one, they are the stable one.
I follow the traditional career path, they are a digital nomad.
It is easy to look for a partner to fill that gap for us, instead of being our own inspiration and motivation to become the half we consider “better”.
But I want to invite people to explore these parts within themselves. Plug the power into yourself.
Personal tip: Write down the attributes you desired most in the other person, that you feel are missing in your life now. Then write down actionable steps to explore these parts in yourself.
Make it a goal to engage in more creative activities.
Give yourself permission let out your emotions or even be slightly irrational if that feels good.
Use tools like meditation, Epson salt baths, or journaling to stabilize yourself.
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Yes, the other person might have ignited that spark of inspiration, but you can make it your mission to follow through with it. Make it your own.
Strengthen Your Personal Identity
It is a beautiful feeling. The feeling of belonging to someone.
When a relationship ends, we often feel like part of our identity is being taken away. Society, especially, can make us feel this way.
And also, having to explain to grandma Lilly, that we are single and happy again, can be a tough one.
It feels like part of our identity is missing. But, is it truly our identity if it was dependent on another person?
Maybe this is the opportunity to find your authentic personal identity. Only yours. Of course, that authentic identity can engage in a romantic relationship also - but it simply does not have to.
Still, in 2022, it can sometimes feel like we are only whole when we are part of a couple. But from my own and others' experiences, being in a relationship does not in any way prove wholeness or happiness.
I truly believe that we can be our own safe haven to come home to. After all, we were born alone and we will probably leave this planet by ourselves too. And that is a beautiful thing.
By strengthening our own identity we can go off and do great things, with no one else necessary but ourselves.
Personal tip: Get clear on the core values that make you who you are. Write them down and put them somewhere visible. This will hold you accountable for staying true to your personal identity.
Mine for example are:
Feminine Energy (this includes creativity, empathy, etc.)
Psychological Growth
Independence (emotionally, financially, energetically)
Health / Energy
These aspects are most important to me in life. Not to my current partner, not to my ex-partner. Only to me and they will accompany me whether I’m with someone or not.
Fill Up Your Cup of Love
One of the most painful feelings when being broken up with, from my experience, is feeling unlovable. We often think if the other person really loved us, they would not break up with us.
I don’t think this is true. I have broken up with someone that I still loved dearly. I’ve also been broken up with, with the exact words “I just don’t love you enough” and went on to be loved by great humans (including myself) after that.
Being broken up with, isn’t a reflection of your lovability.
In a relationship we might get used to being told you look beautiful, you are smart, you are sexy, you are funny or simply, I love you.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking all of that validation from our partners. And while it’s beautiful to be loved by a partner, the moment that partner breaks away, we feel like our lovability falls away as well.
But if we fill up our own cup of love, we can learn to enjoy the other’s love from a place of knowing, instead from a place of dependence.
I know this can be a tough one. But, from my experience, there is no better time to grow our self-love than when we are getting out of a heartbreak. Our insecurities are so highlighted, that it calls for action.
Personal tip: Make a list of everything that is lovable about you. This can be aspects your ex-partner valued in you or traits that only you love about yourself like. After you are finished, read that list out loud to yourself every day.
In the beginning, you might not be able to write down a lot, but after a while, most likely more and more lovable traits will come to your mind.
A few examples:
I love how caring I am.
I love that I am smart.
I love that I am resilient.
I always win Cards Against Humanity…which I love.
Explore Alone Time
A lot of us will feel lonely after a break-up. The bed is empty, there is no one to text or call on a regular basis. Again, it just feels like a part of your life is missing.
But there is a difference between being lonely and being alone.
When we are in a relationship, that relationship often takes up a lot of time. And that time has now been freed.
I believe, not having a partner as your constant distraction, enables you to get bored and explore new parts about yourself. Exploring those parts again will help you grow your self-worth and your personal identity.
You have time to reflect on yourself, your ex-partner, and the relationship you had together — Although, I would recommend mainly focusing on yourself.
This, from my experience, makes us stronger, which allows us to bring more strength into our next potential relationships.
Personal tip: Write down anything that sparks your interest right now. For example:
Writing, Jazz dance, Podcasts on self-love, or The emotional intelligence of Octopuses.
Then commit to diving into these interests.
You might be surprised where it leads you. I, for example, discovered my love for writing. In a way, anyone should engage in this exercise. But for someone going through a breakup, it is the perfect opportunity to experience that being alone does not have to feel lonely. Being alone is a beautiful practice in order to explore, create and follow your own interests.
I know how incredibly hard breakups can be, especially when not being the one initiating them. But, I believe it can be a beautiful opportunity for us to grow.
