Ask Yourself These 5 Questions to Solve any Problem
One of my favorite techniques from Positive Psychology
In my training to become a psychological advisor, I was taught about one simple technique to help anyone solve a problem.
Before I go on, I’d like to differentiate between the word “restriction” and “problem”, in order to make the following more clear.
Restrictions = negative situations, that are irreversible for example the death of a loved one or hurting ourselves severely in a sports accident, or any bad thing that happened to us or others in the past. There is no way of making these restrictions go away. They can be horrible, but trying to reverse them is not in our power.
Problems = negative situations for which solutions are thinkable and achievable, they can often result from a restriction. For example, feeling lonely due to the death of a loved one or lacking confidence due to not being able to further pursue a career in athletics.
Furthermore, I will be talking about problems. Problems for which solutions are possible.
We might be facing various challenges in life, like struggling with low self-worth, fighting with loved ones too often, feeling unhappy about our career path, or struggling with binge-watching Netflix until late in the night.
We might feel so stuck that we don’t know, how to solve these issues. In my training, I learn that the counselor is not here to hand the ready-made solution to the client. She or he will help others, solve their problems by identifying their own resources and applying them in their daily lives.
One part of being a psychological advisor (which I’m not yet) is helping clients to redirect their minds from problem-thinking to solution-thinking.
Yes, I believe it is very important for problems and negative feelings to be heard and taken seriously. I also believe speaking to someone about your problems is a great way to analyze a situation and also get more clarity on it.
But from what I’ve learned so far, at some point we benefit from turning things around by focusing on possible future solutions.
There are a lot of different techniques to do so, but one of my favorites so far is to evaluate whether there were exceptions to a problem.
No problem is omnipresent.
Most clients will assure that at least sometimes, there are exceptions to the struggle. The problem is not always existent and it probably doesn’t show up with the same intensity at all times.
After, we can figure out what was different at that time. How were we acting differently? What worked for us? How did we go differently about our day? How did others act differently? And so on and so on.
The answers to these questions help us identify our own resources and abilities in order to improve our life.
Next, I will present a few questions that can help us do so.
Side note: I was struggling with whether to go into the depth of one single example problem or whether to touch on the surface of multiple ones. For illustrative purposes, I’ve decided to use three example problems: Fighting with a family member, feeling self-conscious, binge-watching Netflix.
I’m hoping this way the technique can become more clear.
It’s important to know that for each question there are more layers to be uncovered individually. So don’t hold back to write them all out for your own situations!
Were there times at any point in the last few weeks, when you experienced the problem as less bad?
To all these problems there were moments before, in which they weren’t happening or at least not happening as prevalent.
Examples
I had that one weekend last month that my mom and I didn’t get into fights, but enjoyed each other’s company.
There were moments in which I have felt a lot more confident than I do other times.
There were evenings when I decided to read a book and went to bed early.
What did you do then that you don’t normally do?
Here we want to figure out tangible steps that we can incorporate into our life to resolve the problem.
Examples
Maybe on that nice weekend with my mom, I was meditating daily, therefore I wasn’t as easily triggered. We also got two different rooms, so I had more space for myself. That contributed to us having a better time together.
I felt more confident when surrounded by like-minded people who value similar conversations, activities, or mindsets in life. These criteria made me feel more relaxed and confident in the presence of others.
The day I didn’t watch Netflix late into the night, I might have done a self-care evening: Doing yin yoga, taking a bath, journaling, putting on candles, and enjoying my own quiet company. That lead to me feeling really relaxed and not needing any outer soothing or distraction.
What did you see that you’re usually blind to?
Focusing on this question, helps us get in touch with the mindset of a person, that is free of the problem we are addressing.
Examples
I noticed that I really enjoy spending time with my mom and that we can have interesting conversations when we are not fighting. I started speaking a lot kinder and nicer to her. That even though she can be a difficult person, it’s not all her fault when we fight and that I can contribute to making our time spent together better.
In those moments of confidence, I was able to see what an awesome person I am, that I am beautiful (inside and outside). That I don’t need to feel less confident when I am surrounded by people who value different things in life (career choices, looks, topics of conversation), but that everyone is different and needs to find their own community.
When spending an evening not watching Netflix late into the night, I would realize how much I enjoy my own company, I would be able to reflect on things I hadn’t thought about and I would end up having tons of creative ideas. I realized that I’m letting all those benefits slide when watching Netflix every night instead.
What did you then feel that you don’t normally notice?
In this question, we focus on the feelings that arise in those different situations. By combining a different behavior with a positive feeling, it is easier for us to build a connection and then integrate that positive behavior.
Examples
I felt how much I love my mom. That I want to spend more relaxing and beautiful moments like that with her. That I want to enjoy her company more often.
I felt confident, strong, smart, beautiful, and loving.
I felt more awake the next day, I felt relaxed, balanced, and creative.
What were others doing differently?
This question will help us see the effects of our different actions. Even though it is not in our power to change other people's behaviors, we can still witness the butterfly effect of our actions on our surroundings. It is easy to see the fault only in the other people, but I believe this exercise highlights how it is rarely ever the fault of one person only.
Examples
I noticed that my mom was more relaxed with me, too. She didn’t overreact to certain things anymore, because the tune of our time spent together was more at ease. She was happier, too, because she enjoyed spending a peaceful weekend with me. She was more loving and kind than in other situations.
I noticed that people respected me more, which lead to me feeling even more secure in myself. Slowly people fell away that didn’t value the same things in life as me and more people came into my life that were aligned with my authentic being.
When making my evenings quality-me-time, others enjoyed my company more the next day. My cup was full and I was energized to show up fully in my relationships.
Results and Tangible Steps
By going through these questions honestly with yourself, you can extract tangible steps on how to resolve the problem you are dealing with.
Again, there are often more layers to the answers than I just described above. I also recommend only focusing on one problem at a time, in order to make space for helpful solutions to come through.
Fights with mom:
Make sure I have my own space to go to
Practice mindfulness and kindness towards her
Hold the vision of how beautifully time can be spent with her
Feeling self-conscious:
Surround myself with like-minded people who reassure the identity I hold for myself
Accepting that not everyone has to be my fan, some people hit it off and some don’t. No one is better or worse because of it
Remind myself of how awesome I am by recalling my amazing qualities which I saw in the moment of exception
Engage in more activities and conversations that are authentic to myself, instead of trying to fit into a different box
Watching Netflix late into the night:
Make it a commitment to do things that calm my mind
When coming home from work, I commit to engaging in at least one self-care activity to soothe my mind
Reflect daily on how I feel when not having binge-watched Netflix the night before
Focus on the good feelings mentioned above that show up when refraining from binge-watching
I hope I was able to make clear, how putting yourself into a past state where a problem was non- to little-existent, can enable us to find ways out of the darkness of our issues. We develop a sense for our own skills and resources which opens up possibilities for a problem-free future.
Especially for people who tend to feel overwhelmed and helpless in their problem situation, looking to the exception of the problem can be a very powerful technique.
Hello, I’m Nora. I write about self-development, relationships, and other human topics. If you like my writing and would like to be updated about new articles, feel free to support me here!
